It’s called the “Most Wonderful Time of the Year,” but for many, that isn’t the case. How do you handle grief during the holiday season? In this Q&A, Rev. Jacky Gatliff shares why grief is okay during the holidays and how to move forward.

This blog is not just for those grieving but it's also for those who love someone who is grieving. 

Jacky, something I want to start with, is it okay to feel the burden of grief during the holidays?

It is a season where we are conflicted with so many emotions and expectations. One of them is that we are expected to be moving through with joy, and everything's wonderful. Aren't the lights glorious, and the music so meaningful, yet, the undercurrent for many of us, well, probably all of us in some way, is that we have something that is tugging at us. 

Whether it's grief from death, a broken relationship, job loss, or disappointment, I think that the season highlights both if there's the hope that we have before us, as Christ-followers, but there's the reality of where we live. And so, where do we see that intersection where those two things can come together?

I think about this, the Advent season, this time late in the year is often called the most wonderful time of the year. Yet, in many situations, even if you're not experiencing grief, that's simply just not the case for many people, you turn on the news, and you will see that it is not, in fact, the most wonderful time of the year. Can you elaborate on that? 

For some reason, we think it's the most wonderful time of the year, and in so many ways, it truly is. We are remembering and anticipating the birth of Jesus and His coming again. But the pressure that we put on ourselves, each other, and the culture, that it's the most wonderful time of the year, adds unnecessary stress. 

Recently, I was looking for little tins to put some baked goods in that my husband and I want to do for the holidays. Curiously, the only one that was left for us to buy had on the front of it said, "It's the most wonderful time of the year." So I chose not to buy it. 

It's curious why people haven't been buying that one because I think that for someone to receive some of those things that go, "Well, not for me, it's not the most wonderful time of the year." There has to be this reality where we're speaking about this is where I am right now. While this is going on around me, things like joy and wonder, my soul is stuck over here and is living in grief right now.

Before we started this interview, you told me a story about when you first experienced and understood what grief in the holidays was. Can you tell that story again? 

I think this is where God put the tug on my heart about grief. 

I was about eight years old, and we had spent Christmas at my grandmother's. We were driving home, and I was in the backseat of the car with my sister. We were just tired and listening to the radio. Then, the news came on, and the story was about a family with young children killed in a car wreck that morning.

Part of me just went, "No, that's not possible. How can something that horrible happen on Christmas Day?" It just didn't make sense, and I remember being in my bed that night trying to understand the sorrow of that. I was thinking about those kids and their friends at school. It just didn't make sense to my eight-year-old little heart right then. We had such a perfect day, but someone else didn't.

How did you handle that grief? As an eight-year-old, did you talk to your parents about it? Did you let it sit? What did you do about that?

Oh, no, you're not talking to your parents about that. First of all, you don't have the words for it when you're eight years old. But I think the Holy Spirit began working on me then by making me aware of things. Just as Jesus was entering my life and calling me to Himself, He was letting me know that He was there. 

Even now, as we're sitting here, I can even imagine that scene. Even though that was decades ago, that Jesus was present when that happened for that family. I wouldn't have understood that when I was eight years old. But that's all part of our journey of understanding how Jesus moves into our lives and that He's present. 

In our Advent worship services, the songs that we sing, He's present with us during that and at the same time with those in the hospital, those who are anticipating death, and those who are grieving a death. So I think that was just part of it, just how God shapes us.

So how do we reckon with that grief during the holiday season?

Well, I think as Christ-followers, we do have a path forward in it, and that is that we get to lean into the Jesus that meets us there and understand grief. He was a man of sorrows. Sometimes I can't help but think that Jesus did just come for the grievers because we have so much to grieve. But He came to show us that this is not the end of the story. 

The way we reconcile is to be reminded that this isn't the final say, that there is something more, and that's what we lean into. This is the opportunity to welcome Jesus in a brand new way. We can say, I am broken, grieving, and I'm so sad. Jesus, are you here?" 

I recently talked to someone who said that even just making the statement, "Jesus, are you here," is a statement of faith. Because we believe that He is, so we're asking for him to be present. If we didn't believe that He could be there, we wouldn't question it. 

It's a beautiful prayer to say, "Jesus, are you here?" Keep it simple. "Jesus, I'm broken right now. I'm sad. Are you here?"

Something I think about is during the holiday, those who are grieving may want to stay at home because they fear typical experiences may be too hard for them during the season. For example, they're afraid they may cry during a Christmas Eve service. Is that a bad thing?

No, not at all. 

I understand why people don't want to go. They're afraid that they're going to get there and begin to cry. But, oh, my goodness, what's wrong with that? I almost think it'd be awkward if you weren't teary in some of the settings. 

But I think that you also have to be wise where you go. Is it going to be a safe place for you to be able to do release those emotions? Who are the people that it's going to be safe to do that with? So I would hope that any kind of church service that you're coming to during December is going to be a place where everybody's kind of feeling teary. 

I was reading something recently; it just said that when we decorate a Christmas tree, we're not just decorating the tree every time you put an ornament on, there's a memory that's being recalled as that ornament goes on the tree. 

You're thinking about things that come up, and that's when we begin to see that those are gifts from God. They are wonderful gifts of tenderness. That's when we can receive them and not avoid them. Those are memories of God's presence with us.

How do you set up those healthy boundaries to know where you can and cannot participate?

One of the hard things when I'm talking to grieving people is that we do have to take responsibility for our boundaries. It's an opportunity where you get to say, "Okay, I can do this, but I'm not going to do that." Most people will say they get it, and if they're pushing you on it, then it might be time to take a break from those people for your time of grieving. 

We have to develop those boundaries because even in our normal times, we can say our boundaries, but often we break them. We need to determine what's going to work for us and what's not. I'll go to this party, but not that one. If sending Christmas cards sound overwhelming, then just don't do it. It's the year that you get not to do, or it's also a year where you can add. You can do things differently. In the example of sending Christmas cards, it could be a tender moment for you as you're just writing the names of family and friends on the envelope. But it's your choice. 

Sometimes people will tell me they're going to send Christmas cards, and they send them to people who may not have heard about the death you've experienced. Part of me says you need to edit your Christmas card list if they don't know! But, if that's troubling, then why send them a Christmas card? 

But if it's too much to attend a Christmas Eve service, then, you know, other things can be done that will bring you into that moment of what a Christmas Eve service does. So we need to take the pressure off ourselves and our friends and family from trying to make the holidays be like they were last year. 

When I'm always having conversations with people, I'll tell them they need to have a plan. I never ask what they're doing for the holidays. That's a little more pressure. But what's your plan for the day and the season? Then they'll talk about it. 

Recently I was talking to some people who were very worried about Thanksgiving. They were concerned about how they would navigate the holiday, with this first year of loss of a family member. But I gotta tell you, when I saw them a few days later, they told me, "You know, it was a good day." I hear that over and over, and I've experienced it in my own life. But, unfortunately, the anticipation is always much worse than the reality of it. 

When you're able to say, "Okay, we have a plan," and it's a good one, more often than not, they wake up the next day and tell me the day was better than expected.

Again, before we started recording, you were telling me a story about a Christmas Eve that was quite memorable. Do you mind telling that story for us now?

Several years ago, when I was working as a hospice chaplain, I had a patient that I had been with for a very long time. She died on the week of Christmas. She was very well known in the town we were living in so we knew it would be a big service. But, unfortunately, her husband couldn't figure out when to have the service. It turned out, it's hard to believe, but the best time for the most people to attend was Christmas Eve at 1 PM.

I was going to be leading that service, and I was like, "Oh, my goodness, what am I going to say?" So then it was the nudge from the Holy Spirit, but He told me you're going to proclaim the baby Jesus and why He came. He came for times, such as this is. 

I remember that moment, and it was hundreds of people jammed into a standing-room-only service with some dressed to go to their Christmas Eve service immediately following the service. The look on their faces was like, "How are you going to make sense of this?" It was the sense of fear and hope in all of them. 

I shared my message and proclaimed the Gospel of this baby Jesus that came for these moments. This is the baby that was going to grow up and become the man that was going to weep by the tomb of his friend Lazarus. That was the hope that we have, that Jesus is the one that cries with us. Even though He knows the end of the story because He made the end of the story, He weeps with us when we are in our grief.

When you tell that story, it makes me think about just what an arc of an afternoon would be for people to start with a funeral to be to follow that with a service of celebration for the coming of our King. My wife has a tattoo on her arm. It's a mountain that slides down into a valley, and at the bottom of that valley sits a cross. I think so much of this holiday season is being reminded that it's not just a baby doll in a manger. It's pointing people to the cross. 

When I think of the Sanctuary here at Christ Church, we have a large cross hanging from the ceiling over the altar. You can't get around it, and you're not supposed to get around it. And so whenever we come in, whether it's July, October, or Christmas Eve, we have to be responding to who Jesus was that He was the man that lived His life for the sake of our sins. He hung on the cross, and we need to be reminded of that. 

Our Sanctuary looks so beautiful. Yet, even with all the decorations, special music, and liturgy, there's so much going on, and above it all, it still hovers the cross. That has to be where we go through, particularly as those who know Jesus, that that memory has to hover over everything we're doing.

A few weeks ago, in a sermon, you referenced John 1 to tell Christ's birth story. You also referenced back to Genesis 1 to the creation story. You showed the parallels between the two. Something beautiful about that story is one of God's first things that He created the light to illuminate the darkness. It is such a presiding theme throughout the Bible, especially during the holiday season.

I love scripture because it gives us words to understand our own experiences. So we go from Genesis 1 and move forward hundreds of years later to Isaiah. In Isaiah 9, we hear where he's given the prophecy that the Messiah is coming to be the Wonderful Counselor, the Prince of Peace. But before that, he's saying why that needs to happen is because the people who've walked in deep darkness have seen a great light. 

When I think about that, there was deep darkness that Jesus came for, and out of that comes the light. We move through our deep darkness towards Him. There would be no reason for Jesus to come if there wasn't the darkness. 

The reality is we have been the people to go through darkness, and we will again at some time in our lives. Something will happen in my life that force us to acknowledge we are in the darkness. But when we understand the deep darkness that we're in, we understand and are drawn to the light and do everything we can to move towards it.

I have a family member who lost his best friend more than a decade ago during the holiday season. Every Christmas, there's a dark cloud over him. He's quieter, more withdrawn, and it seems like something he hasn't dealt with. How do we handle that grief to have hope in the holidays?

That long-term grief is a real thing. I think that situation is when it's okay to be reminded that this is the month that my friend died. Do we stay in that place, though, or do those memories become sweet and tender? 

My best friend in the world, my soul-friend, Gretchen, died almost 20 years ago on October 23. I find myself approaching this every year with insecurities. As the time draws closer, I'll remember what was going on then. But then the day came, and I didn't remember it until I realized I was out of sorts. Why am I short-tempered today? Why am I not connecting? What is going on in me? And the Holy Spirit does nudge me to say, "Hey, it's a memory. This is the day she died.

I'm reminded that this is the day you were sitting in that chair in the living room when you got the call that she had died. Where I'm now able to go to I can see what God has done in her life and her family's life since then. But I think it's wrong to think we shouldn't remember those.

We never get over our grief, but we move forward in it. That's what I want believers to be able to do for one another. So how do we move forward in that grief? Not denying that sadness and suffering, but where will we move forward in it?

You said earlier about how grief is something we're all going to experience; There's no way around it. So what are some steps to get to a place where we can have those happy memories? Where we can sit in that grief and be okay with it.

It's almost going to sound like the children's sermon answer; We need to know Jesus. We need to know who Jesus is in our lives and our world. What he's doing in the world, that what we're leaning into. That's where our energy goes, and if we understand Jesus, we get an even bigger picture of who He is. We draw close to Him, then the other experiences of our lives make sense. 

The older I get, the more questions I have. There's the mystery that's there, but that light is shining into that darkness, and then those things begin to make sense. But if we choose to sit in the darkness, you know that it gets old. It gets scary, and many grow weary. But if we crack the door open, it doesn't take much, then a little bit of light makes us curious for more light. That's where we're able to go, and that's always the invitation. But Jesus's message was repeatedly, "Hey, I'm standing at the door, I'm going to crack it open. Come on in, walk through that door with me."

It can be challenging to address our emotions. So how do we talk about these things when we're grieving?

First of all, you're figuring out a way to let God know about them. But then again, as I said before, you're finding those people that will be with you in it. So when those memories come up unexpectedly, we must be careful about who are the people that will understand.

Let me tell you a story about how these memories pop up so unexpectedly. My husband, Mike, and I were walking through the cosmetics section of department stores. It was Christmas time. There was Christmas music playing, and as we were passing through the section, he stopped all of a sudden. I was walking ahead of him, and I stopped to ask him what he was doing. He said he smelled something, and his words were, "It's my mother." 

It was this sensory thing going on for him. He was hearing this Christmas music. This is no jab at men, but men typically don't know the perfumes that their mothers wore. His mother had died around ten years before, and he could never figure out which one was. 

There we were Christmas shopping, enjoying the day, and suddenly, we were talking about the fragrance that his mother wore. It was a sweet moment.

How do you handle that? Do you want to avoid making them go deeper into that memory, or do you want to address it head-on?

It's the same three words: tell me more. 

Be curious, and find out more about it. But do not be quick to slap words on it. Your words aren't going to fix it. Grieving people hear many of the same cliches. They're always well-intentioned, but they fail to offer any hope. Instead, it's things like, "They're in a better place now." Well, the problem is that you'd rather have them here with you. 

It's an opportunity for a relationship to go into a different space. "Tell me more about that." Ask them what other memories they have. Those grieving need the opportunity and ability to find the words for their grief. We don't want our words to shut people down. They need to talk about the person or their grief. It's not slapping a Bible verse or something onto the situation. 

My favorite cliched response, but not, is, "God needed another angel in heaven." Guess what, you and I will never be angels. That's not how it works; we will not be angels. Those kinds of things are not helpful. The person needs to know that they've been heard and that their heart in that moment has been heard. You put these things together, and that's when someone will be able to say they've been heard and understood.

For someone who's caring for a loved one that's experiencing grief. Should they be afraid to open those wounds and ask them about that grief?

No, always ask them. You could say to somebody who has recently lost somebody, "I know you have needs right now, and you probably don't know what they are." I think we enter in and come alongside to say, "Whatever you need, I'm here. We will do it." 

You don't want to go to that service? We won't go. 

Do you want to go to that service? Well, let's go. 

You never say, "Let me know if there's anything I can do." Oh my goodness, that puts the burden on the person who's grieving. Now is an opportunity to say, "Hey, let's go on a drive and take a look at the Christmas lights. I'll pick you up. How's that sound?" But, of course, people are not thinking about that. They're not thinking about getting the car and going do that. But just anything like that.

This gives those who are supporting the grieving to take the initiative. "Hey, what is a tradition that you had that you are hesitant to do this year? Do you want to do that one? Or do we want to change it up a little bit?" 

But no, our gift to those who are grieving. First of all, our gift is our presence. Meaning our physical presence and being willing to do whatever is wanted.

So as we kind of wrap up, we've talked a lot about being in the holidays, but what about afterward? This is a silly example, but we recently took my cat to the vet. When we brought him home, he became lethargic for about three days, and I called the vet to ask what was going on? Is he okay? They told me he's probably recovering from the trauma of going to the vet. I think about January 2. I think about the week after that. Grieving people have just come out of a traumatic experience. How do we tend for them then?

Okay, here's, here's the hard news to tell you. People are so focused on Thanksgiving and Christmas, but grieving people often tell me that January 1 is probably a more challenging day, from the standpoint that the calendar page has changed. So now they literally can say my husband died last year when it was two months ago. So it's that the time is just moving on and rapidly. But they're not ready to move forward. 

So now it is about the caring, and the sensitivity does not stop on January 2. The same care that you were giving December 18 or Christmas Eve. We also cannot have expectations for people. We can't put a timeline on anybody's grief. Everything is going to be changed, and really, the hope that we have is that we will be transformed in our group. God does not waste grief. He's always going to be using it to shape us to be more like Jesus and enter in if we let Him. 

But that's an excellent question because people think on January 2 they got through it, but why am I feeling worse? So be aware of that and keep checking in. 

We've talked about a lot of heavy things, and grief is not always fun to talk about. But I want to end positively because this is supposed to be a joyous time. We've alluded to this quote already, but I'm going to read it verbatim. "There is only one significance to seeing a plastic baby doll in the manger. It's that when we see that baby doll, it shines a light on the direct path of that newborn baby Jesus to the man Jesus on the cross." Can you take that home for us?

Take it home? Oh my goodness. I think you just did! The man that hung on the crosswalked out of a tomb and lives forever. It's because of that that you and I have eternal life.

If you’d like more information about how to deal with grief during the holidays, Rev. Jacky Gatliff outlined five things to remember. You can read that here.

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About Christ Church Memphis
Christ Church Memphis is church in East Memphis, Tennessee. For more than 65 years, Christ Church has served the Memphis community. Every weekend, there are multiple worship opportunities including traditional, contemporary and blended services.