How do you find hope in the holidays when grief outweighs your joy? This is for those who are grieving and those who love them.

The holidays are approaching, and the season that is filled with so many activities and expectations is arriving during a most unusual time. This year, we are still living in the shadowlands - nothing feels as it should as the shadow of the unknown hovers around each of us.

And even so, some of us are living in even deeper shadows that feel even darker and extend even wider that come with experiencing grief from the death of someone we have loved. This year, each of us is either grieving or knows well someone who is.

While people are decorating for the holidays earlier than usual, hoping to push back the shadows, what options do those whose grief is fresh have other than to go into hiding and reappear on January 2? What choices can we make?

Is there hope to be found in the holidays for those who grieve?

The hundreds of grievers I have had the privilege of knowing as a grief counselor and educator, and now as a pastor, has taught me several important things that are helpful for those who are grieving to know and do during these days:

1. Talk about your grief.

Every griever has three needs: 

1. to find the words for their grief.

2. to say the words out loud.

3. to know the words have been heard. 

This may seem obvious, but you probably have already found it difficult to find friends or family who hesitate to talk about your grief. Why the silence? Usually, it’s because they are afraid you will become sad and teary. Just because you may not be talking about your grief with every word doesn’t mean your heart isn’t feeling it in almost every moment. It is more challenging, and the shadows darken when you feel you can NOT talk about your grief. So, TALK!

Speak about what you are missing this year. Remember the memories (both the sweet and the not so sweet) of seasons past. You will be honoring your loved one and caring for your heavy heart when you do. As you speak your grief, you will be permitting others to speak of their own.

2. Be creative in bringing their name into these days.

Consider beginning your Thanksgiving or Christmas gathering - no matter who’s present this year - with a special moment to remind each of you of the person who is not there. It can be a simple prayer, a toast, a candle-lighting, or just a few quiet moments. Rather than working feverishly to avoid saying the name, it’s much better to take the opposite approach and find a time to mention the name deliberately. Remember to say their name and not just use a pronoun. Deliberately say, “David ate the Christmas cookies faster than I could make them” or “Oh, how Mary loved watching Thanksgiving football.”

“I will give them an everlasting name that will not be cut off.” (Isaiah 56:5)

3. Do what you want to do for yourself - not what others expect of you. 

It is going to take some energy and thought for you to define your boundaries. During this season, in the best of times, boundaries fall. They do so, even more, when we grieve.

Grief isn’t just about our emotions but engages us mentally, physically, socially, and spiritually. Do you find yourself easily distracted by things you can’t even remember? It’s because you’re grieving. Are you wondering why you are so tired? It’s because you’re grieving. Finding it hard to initiate connecting with friends and family? You’re grieving. Do you have conflicting thoughts and feelings about God and what you believe about Him? It’s because you’re grieving.

You are the one who will determine what the next thing you need to do is, what is best for you to do or what to do at all. Each of us will grieve in our way and on our schedule. Be guided by the reality that there is no right or wrong way to celebrate the holidays after a loved one has died.

Does sending Christmas cards sound overwhelming? Then don’t do it. Or maybe sending the cards this year will provide tender moments for you as you write the names of family and friends on the envelopes. It’s your choice. 

Is it too much to think about attending a Christmas Eve service this year - which is already guaranteed to be different than those past? If so, know that there will be some wonderful and creative opportunities to attend a Christ Church service online. It’s your choice. Take the pressure off of trying to make these holidays just like the ones from years past. 

Somehow, kind Jesus, lead me through the season.

4. Prepare Him Room.

Christmas always costs something, but it can cost more not to celebrate. There is no denying that death alters our traditions and celebrations. But the Truth that the season returns us to each year is that God sent His Son Jesus at just the right time to do what was necessary for us to be sons and daughters of God - because that is who we are. This may be just the right time for you to know that reality in a new and more tangible way.

How can you prepare Him room?

Try using a new Advent devotional. (You may want to pick up Not Yet Christmas: It’s Time For Advent by J. D. Walt or Come Let Us Adore Him by Paul David Tripp). If you look for one on your own, the best ones will offer scripture and a short reading for each day of Advent. There are many that you will find good to have in this season. In addition, you may find that you will hear the old story in a new way because of your experience of grief - and that could be an excellent thing.

The familiar carols can become a prayer for those moments when we can’t find the words to offer. The tunes and the words bring a flood of memories, even tears. But they can also enliven us and become a song of hope. This may not be the year to sing aloud, but we can make the music in our hearts that we can’t get to cross our lips by listening attentively.

“Once in Royal David’s City” instantly takes me back to being an elementary-age child at River Road United Methodist Church in Richmond, Virginia. As in many Christmas Eve services, this carol opened the worship and was much loved by my mother. Because she taught me to eagerly anticipate hearing it, sweet and tender memories joined by teary eyes surface of her in those moments.

5. Receive Him now. 

Early in Advent, you will most likely hear the familiar words:

The people who walked in darkness have seen a great light. 
For those who lived in a land of deep shadows - light!
Sunburst of light! (Isaiah 9:2, MSG)

This verse tells each of us where our story begins as it shows us not only what is to come but also who we are. The light, Jesus, did not come to those who were clean and hopeful. Instead, He came to those who are in deep darkness. He comes to make His mercies known to those who are grieving.

Jesus came to carry us when we can’t face the thought of moving through the days that lead up to Thanksgiving and Christmas day. God is our ever steady, ever-present strengthening Father who holds our hands, lifting us when our legs buckle beneath us, and our hearts feel fragile and worn. 

Even in this season, filled with grief, if you permit Him, He will come to you, a griever, and will ‘make His blessings flow’ through moments, through songs, through scents, through people, through memories, and through hope that is an anchor for our soul, firm and secure.

When His love came down, it brought gifts of hope and gladness with it. Unwrap the gifts. He is here for you and will never forsake you. Receive him now.

Go Deeper

It’s called the “Most Wonderful Time of the Year,” but for many, that isn’t the case. How do you handle grief during the holiday season? In this Q&A, Rev. Jacky Gatliff goes to share why grief is okay during the holidays and how to move forward.

If you or someone you love is grieving and would like to receive care and a listening ear, please contact Christ Church Care Ministries at jackyg@christchurchmemphis.org.

New Hope Grief Care Groups are six-week gatherings for those who are experiencing grief. At New Hope you will find a caring, supportive, safe place where you will be able to understand what grief feels like as you share your story with others who understand. New Hope helps you work through the struggle and heartache of grief as you begin to move towards a new hope. 

Groups for specific losses will begin in the new year. For more information, please contact Care Ministries assistant, Leigh Anne Murray at leighannem@christchurchmemphis.org. Allow us to care for you.