What does it mean to mean to be a submissive spouse? Who has authority in a family? An explanation of Ephesians 5:21-28.

Paul’s Most Controversial Verses?

I have the privilege of sharing some of Paul's most controversial verses. I typically have a happy family life. My wife and I authentically desire to reflect and teach the gospel of Christ to our three children. And yet, I will admit that we wrestle with how best to understand and interpret these verses from Ephesians. 

"Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body of which he is the savior. Now, as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands and everything. Husbands love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the Word, and to present her to Himself as a radiant church without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish but holy and blameless. In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies, he who loves his wife loves himself." Ephesians 5:21-28

"Children obey your parents in the Lord for this as right, Honor your father and mother, which is the first commandment with a promise that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the Earth. Therefore, fathers do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord." Ephesians 6:1-4

These are problematic verses because, for years, Paul's call for wives to submit to their husbands has been historically used to oppress women to elevate the power and authority of men. It has been used systematically as a weapon to degrade women and strip them of their dignity and their status as image-bearers of God.

Less problematic is Paul's directive for children to obey their parents. However, we have to acknowledge that the first two commands have, for generations, been used to abuse and mistreat children under the guise of this command. These passages have been used to oppress and, therefore, stand in stark contrast with the ministry of Jesus. Our Messiah does not bring oppression. Instead, He brings freedom to the oppressed, which includes men, women, and children. 

How Do We Approach Difficult Scripture?

My favorite seminary professor, Dr. Long, taught us several different ways to reflect on difficult scriptures in our private study, and I want to share some of his methods.

1) Most important, Pray

Pray that the Holy Spirit will aid your understanding and applying the Scripture. 

2) Look at the ministry of Jesus. 

We repeatedly see in Scripture that Jesus consistently treated women with courtesy and honor in an age where women were despised. The woman at the well, Mary Magdalene, the Syrophoenician, the woman caught in adultery. The list continues, and we repeatedly see Jesus giving women dignity and a voice. 

We also see Jesus call young children to Him and even lift them up as a role model for what Kingdom living looks like for adults to imitate. I want to say this very clearly: no interpretation of Paul's commands for wives and children should ever go against the love and dignity Jesus Christ gives women and children.

3) Look at the cultural contexts of the difficult passage. 

In this case, the original audience is Christians living in or near Ephesus around 62 AD. The Ephesian Church lived firmly within the Roman Empire and was well acquainted with the cultural norms of the Roman Empire. At that time, women were treated as possessions of their fathers and then their husbands. Children bowed under the strict authority of their fathers. Unwanted babies were thrown in the local trash dump, and unwanted children were left in the streets to be picked up to be used as slaves or prostitutes. 

In this context, Paul's commands for wives to submit to their husbands and children to obey their parents were not shocking. To the Ephesians, it was a cultural expectation. Paul's commands to husbands and fathers would have been shocking, subversive, and countercultural to the Ephesians lifestyle. It's easy for us to take these verses and say, "You know what, those are in the past. They're a product of their time, and there's nothing for us in them." But if we believe the Bible is a living book inspired by the Holy Spirit, it still speaks to us today. 

Also, Timothy tells us that all Scripture is God-breathed and useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting, and training in righteousness so that the servant of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work. We can't sweep these verses under the rug. We have to go further. 

4. Look at the broader story of Scripture. 

How does the giant meta-narrative of the story of the Bible help us to understand this text? Well, if we look at Paul's writings, a consistent theme starts to emerge. God creates new humanity through Jesus Christ beyond culture, race, gender, and economic status. He states it best in Galatians when he says, "There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, nor is there male or female, for you all, are one and Jesus Christ." 

[READ MORE: How To Read Difficult Scripture]

Applying Context to Our Passage

In Scripture, we see Paul himself, in the image of Jesus, affirming and lifting the social status of women like Lydia, Phoebe, and Priscilla. In the same line, we see Paul encouraging and investing in the ministry of the young, like Timothy and John Mark. 

But the most crucial verse for us to look at is the first verse, which sadly often gets overlooked when we start talking about submission. "Submit to one another, out of reverence for Christ." 

Paul begins his discourse on the structure of family life with a call to universal submission among Christians. Men submit to men and women, and women submit to men and women. Children submit to parents and children, and parents submit to children. 

How does that work? Seriously, no, how does that work? 

If I submit to you, and you submit to me, which of us has the authority? Which one of us has the greater status and holds power there? We're not asking the right question. A friend once told me, "If you come to a biblical text asking the wrong question, you will misinterpret the Scripture every single time."

So, what's the right question then? First, as always, let's look at Jesus. What does He say?

The first shall be? Last. And the last shall be? First. The greatest among you shall be yours? Servant. For those who exalt themselves will be? Humbled. And those who humble themselves will be? Exalted. Greater love has no one than this…? To lay down one's life for one's friends.

The submission Paul discusses isn't about a power struggle, striving for greatness, or a battle over who has authority in the home. It's about mutual servanthood and self-denying sacrificial love amongst the believers of Jesus Christ. 

So when Paul continues, he says, "Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands as you do to the Lord." This isn't belittling women. This is welcoming women and including them into the family of God, who have already been called to submit to one another. Although it's interpreted this way sometimes, let's be clear, Paul is not saying they are to submit to their husbands as their Lord. But they must submit to their husbands in a way that reflects the church's love for their Lord Jesus Christ. 

Paul goes on to discuss the headship of husbands over the family. For people living in Roman society, this is old news. What's surprising here is that Paul urges husbands not to take this position as an exercise of power and authority over their family. But in the image of Jesus, he's asking them to exercise the self-denying love we see in Jesus. 

Paul has a lot to say about husbands, and in verse 25, he says, "Husbands love your wives, just as Christ loves the church and gave Himself up for her." To Paul's original audience, a wife was expected to obey every whim and desire of her husband. But what would be unusual would be how a family of Christ would live distinctly, for the husband to set aside any sense of power and authority and instead choose to love his wife in a way that reflects Christ's love for the church. 

Our Application

One part is that we are called as husbands to love our wives with a sacrificing love. I bet all the husbands reading this would probably say, "Of course, I am willing to make the ultimate sacrifice for my wife." If my wife and I found ourselves in a hostage situation, I'd say, "Take me, don't take her." But that's not what Paul is asking here. He's not asking for one big blaze of glory. He's calling for a daily sacrifice for our wife's sake. 

Husbands, are you willing to set aside your agendas and time to invest in your wife? Are you willing to let go of some of our dreams and goals so your wife can achieve hers? Are you ready to relentlessly deal with your sin so that we respond to our wife consistently with gentleness and kindness? Ultimately, husbands, are we willing to live more for the good of our wives than for our good? 

This is also a call for sanctifying love. Wives do not exist for their husbands' pleasure, joy, or comfort. They exist for God. Husbands are encouraged to take care of their wives to help them unleash their gifts or talents or passions, glorify God, and show His love to the world. We are also called to love our wives in a purifying way. 

Husbands and wives are to walk as one flesh along the path to holiness. Together, they identify our sins and bring them to the foot of the cross together. Together, we rejoice in how God transforms us as a family, couple, and individuals. Together, we give God the complete glory. 

Is this the picture of a husband wielding power and authority over his wife? 

Next, Paul turns his scope to another family relationship. Children and parents. He says, "Children obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right." Many writers have pointed out that the mere fact that children are even mentioned speaks to early Christians' dignity. For Paul, a Christian child must obey their Christian parents. Paul assures us this is part of the natural order of things imprinted on every human heart. And we would agree that every culture in every civilization, Christian or not, has a code where children obey their parents. But Paul goes deeper and says this is also part of the law of God found in the fifth Commandment, the call to honor one's father and mother. 

I know that not all of us are fathers, mothers, or husbands or wives. But all of us have been children at some point or another, and many of us have parents who are still alive. For us adults no longer living under the care and authority of our parents, this command remains that we honor and love them. As members of the Body of Christ, we are also called to submit to them. 

Paul addresses the parents, "Fathers do not exasperate your children." Some translations say parents instead of fathers, which is fair because they are all the same Greek word. It was culturally okay for parents to punish their children violently. It was okay for them to sell their children as slaves if needed. It would even have been somewhat okay for them to kill them out of anger. We should not be surprised that Paul does not advocate these actions. Paul does not encourage parents to exercise excessive authority over their children. Instead, he urges them to restrain their authority as an act of love. 

According to Paul’s call, parents should give their children the dignity of personhood. That sounds pretty, but in real life, I find it hard. Before this next thought, I want to preface it by saying the expectation is that the children are still obeying and honoring us as parents. As parents, we must give our children space and opportunities to express their feelings, ideas, and personalities and make some, but not all, choices independently. Paul concludes our passage with this final statement, "Instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord."

Scripture places primary responsibility for the discipleship of children firmly upon the parents. Church, school, and extended family communities all have their role in the child's upbringing, but parents are called to be their children's primary spiritual guide. Parents lead their children to an authentic relationship with Jesus Christ by having a genuine relationship with Jesus Christ themselves. Children must witness their parents living out their faith, praying at home, reading their Bible, serving, worshiping, giving, and prioritizing church over recreation, entertainment, and comfort. 

Christian parenting—and I struggle with this—is a ministry of interruptions. Parents must be willing to set aside their agendas, to-do lists, and desires to implicitly stop and teach their children the truth of God amid daily life. This is the duty of a Christian parent. Parenting involves the most outstanding amount of sacrificial love.

Now, if you're single and have made it this far, you may wonder, 'What's in this for me?'

Let me propose that while Paul talked about the nuclear family, he also spoke about something more. He's also calling for sacrificial love within the greater family of God, the church, and the church family. We consistently need each other. So when you are not present at church, a blessing is lost, not just for the absent person, but for the brothers and sisters in Christ who need that person there. Who needs their presence, fellowship, prayers, and encouragement. 

We are called to love the people of our church with submissive and sacrificial love. Nowhere is this clearer than in the vows we make as a church family? When you are baptized, you take on a set of vows that you are ready for God to interrupt your life for sacrificial love.

Paul's description of the Christian family life can all be melted down to one thing: sacrificial love, and sacrificial love always leads us back to the example of Jesus. With no thought of authority, Jesus stepped down from the glory of heaven to enter our world as a servant to serve, love, and sacrifice for God's children, the church. Likewise, we are called and invited into His ministry when we humble ourselves so that He can be exalted, exalted for our families, church, and world to see. 

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