How Do I Find Community?
During new seasons it can often feel difficult to find friendship. How do we find new community and still be true to ourselves?
Community is something that everyone desires, especially for our young adults. However, entering or graduating, coupled with leaving or returning home, can make a season difficult. For me, after I graduated and moved back home, it felt like I wasn't home. I was in my bed but not in my bed. My friends were somewhere else, but I was back under my parents' roof. I realized I had to start anew.
We're going to work through what it looks like to find community, including the problems in our society, such as loneliness. We'll also share how you can pursue community in a Christ-like way.
To start, we need to address the problem. As of the time of writing this, we are living in two epidemics, COVID-19 and loneliness.
The first is the COVID-19 pandemic. We need to take a step back and listen to the words we've been using these last two years: social distancing, self-isolation, shelter-in-place. All of these things have pushed us further into isolation. This is forcing every generation into a deep place of loneliness.
What this is doing to people is pretty shocking. Not only has it isolated us physically and mentally, but it has also changed how we view being together in person. For example, Time Magazine reported when lockdowns were instituted, roughly one-third of America reported feeling more lonely than before. Another group put it at 47%.
The COVID-19 pandemic has been apocalyptic, which in this sense means: revealing. It's easy to point our fingers at this virus for forcing us into isolation, but honestly, it only unveiled what was already a growing problem. Even before the pandemic, one in four young adults reported having zero close friends. Zero. This is our second epidemic, loneliness.
We are designed for relationships. We live in a relational universe because our Creator is a relational God. Our social relationships are one of the critical indicators of our mental, emotional and spiritual health. It's reported that having no significant relationships is equal to smoking 15 cigarettes a day. This is a holistic issue.
Going a little bit deeper, some of this issue comes from our worldview. I mentioned that this pandemic was an unveiling because it's showing us what we believe about human happiness, flourishing, and philosophy. I'm going to name this as false philosophy because it states that our joy is found in our independence, which equates to our world to make our own autonomous decisions. This is patently false, even before the COVID-19 pandemic.
Just as college students and people in their 20s are setting out on their own, you're finally in a place where you can begin to make your own autonomous decisions. You can buy almost anything you want and go anywhere you want. Yet, the rise of mental illnesses still grows.
Not to sound too old-fashioned, but the introduction of more screens into our life has led us to trade human interaction for a digital relationship. Now, when people have questions or thoughts, instead of going to trusted friends and mentors, they look it up on their screens. In the midst of that, we are missing the point of understanding what it means not just to have friends but to have trusted people who can speak truth into our life
Where do people go once they hit that loneliness and depression? They go to counselors. They go to people. They move away from independence to relational dependence.
For a genuine relationship, we can go back to Day One. Relationships are found at the root of Creation. A relational God created the world. He created us. Then after making man, He said it is not good for a man to be alone.
Adam, living into this aloneness, tried to fill it with relationships with the other creations, the creatures, and we are still doing that to this every day. Instead of people, we are turning to screens, social media, YouTube, podcasts, and movies. These are pseudo-relationships, but the hunger is still there. This is not new, though. This was the problem in Eden. Even in the garden with God, and Adam still felt he was lacking something.
If you think about God's nature and that we are made in His image, He has been pouring Himself out in love to the other members of the Godhead. He is made for a horizontal relationship with others of the same kind of being. And so with man, our vertical relationship to God is not enough because we're made in His image. We are made for horizontal relationships with our fellow men and women.
“In the midst of this when you’re in a relationship with someone else, and you recognize that their passion for holiness is indestructible, our job is, as their friend in their friend or a relationship with them, is to nourish.”
That's where we find our identity. That's a big word that gets tossed around a lot. It's not in your own independent choices, because think about this when you're born, where do you get your identity from? The love of your mother. When you're an elderly person, where do you get your identity from? From your family who loves you. So the key to dealing with our loneliness epidemic is tapping into who we were made to be by the Lord.
When we understand who we were made to be, we can then understand what the body of Christ was made to be and to do—almost every moment of community referenced in Scripture roots in the body, the community, and the group of people that come together. In or relationships, horizontal and vertical, we experience the connection that we are better together.
It should also be noted that the feeling of loneliness is not a bad thing. God gave us that gift of emotion to push us to intimacy. When you feel a pang of hunger in your stomach, you feel that to push you to eat something. So when you feel lonely, it reveals how you were designed, pushing you to intimacy with God and others. Unfortunately, in our current age, self-isolation due to a global pandemic, coupled with our increased screen time, is pushing us into a denial of that hunger.
If you're in college right now, if you're in your first job right now, wondering, "What am I doing? How am I going to meet people?" This has been heavy on my heart, but it doesn't happen overnight. So be encouraged in the midst of that.
Let's ask the question, what is genuine community?
I want to approach this question from friendship. Not a community but a society of friends? Friendship is never formed based on the idea of friendship. If you're only seeking friendship, you're likely not to have any friends. If you don't have a journey, if you're not headed somewhere, then you're not going to have fellow travelers. Friendship is usually based on you loving something because then you meet other people with similar paths.
It can be difficult if you're in a new phase of life and searching for a new faith community. In that struggle, keep your eyes focused on Jesus. He told His disciples, "I have now called you friends." (John 15:15) The first step is to pursue a friendship with Him. Keep your eyes towards Him. When you move towards Him, your path will come across other people doing the same thing.
"My command is this love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, to lay down one's life for one's friends." (John 15:12-13)
True friendship, true community goes through life in the ups and downs. The beautiful and ugly. And in the end, it always points you towards Jesus.
As a friend, we have to have a passion for pushing people towards Jesus. We're not looking to fix others. We've all got our stuff, but friendship looks at people for who they are, as being made in God's image. It's not easy, and it takes time. This level of friendship is a commitment, but it proves that we've been able to put ourselves out there. You never know how God is going before you to open the door and who also might be feeling that same fear of putting yourself out there to build a true authentic friendship.
But let's be honest. Suppose you're not in a community or suffering from depression. Loneliness drives isolation. You don't want to get out. That's the last thing you want to do. But that's precisely what you need to do. And it can be challenging, so where do I begin? How do I get out there?
If that's you, start simple. What are your hobbies? What things in life do you love? What activities or hobbies make you come alive? Once you've answered that - do it! Whoever those other people are, who also love that thing, they will be there. God, the conductor of our life, will put people in your path.
What about the church? What role does that play in finding community?
“The community of the saints is not an ideal community, consisting of perfect and sinless men and women where there is no need for further repentance. No, it is a community which proves that it is worthy of the gospel of forgiveness by constantly and sincerely proclaiming God’s forgiveness.”
Earlier, we mentioned that Gen. Z is the loneliest generation. Yet, they are also the generation that most want to change the world. The church offers the solution to both that drive for change and that passion for rooting out injustice. That passion is deeply ingrained in that age group. You want to talk about the place where you can change the world, and outside of being the hands and feet of Christ, you cannot change the world.
The church is also the place where believers come together. At its core, it was created because the sacrament of communion and communion is community. The word company comes from the Latin come with, with bread. Community comes out of taking communion in the church. The Lord Jesus said, "Do this in remembrance of me." So church, at its core, is communal.
If you've visited several churches and are failing to find that connection, what should you do? First, to find true community, we need to be connected to God because in the midst of that is where the church should be.
Also, you have to be committed to finding a church. If you're discouraged in your search to find a church, don't give up; keep going and keep searching. You want to find a church that teaches biblical truth and emphasizes spiritual community. Don't be afraid to approach someone and ask for help. "I'm new here and would like to get connected to people my age," or "Is there a pastor I can speak with about getting involved?" If there are no opportunities like that, you need to move on to a new church.
If you see the potential for that, be committed. Find someone or two other people, and start by asking them if they'd like to grab a coffee or go to a sporting event. Whatever it may be, go out and have fun. We must get past the point of being in our bubbles, walking into church, worshiping, and going our way. You never know what's going on in people's lives, and when you reach out, you are making a difference in not only their life but yours too.
For those feeling alone:
Do not fret because of those who are evil
or be envious of those who do wrong;
for like the grass they will soon wither,
like green plants they will soon die away.
Trust in the Lord and do good;
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
Take delight in the Lord,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.
(Psalms 37:1-4)
If you feel that loneliness like you're outside Eden, my encouragement is, dwell in the land faithfully and take delight in the Lord. Do the things that God has called you to, and do them well. Love the Lord and be about His business, and He will put people in your path.
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About Christ Church Memphis
Christ Church Memphis is church in East Memphis, Tennessee. For more than 65 years, Christ Church has served the Memphis community. Every weekend, there are multiple worship opportunities including traditional, contemporary and blended services.
