Singleness is a Gift
What does the Bible say about singleness? If you’re in a season of loneliness, you may be asking why am I still single? Despite how it feels, singleness is not a problem and is a special gift from God.
Singleness can feel like a curse. It can feel like you've been put on the sidelines and told you're not ready to get in the game yet.
If you're single or longing for a relationship, you may be asking why God hasn't given you a relationship yet. You desire it, have prayed for it, and try to be better.
So why has God not given that to you? I don't know, but I know God has not forgotten you, and there is nothing wrong with you. You are not a failure. I can tell you that what He's given you is good, and He's inviting you into His life. This season of waiting is not wasted on God; He doesn't waste anything.
Although it may feel like it, God is not holding back for you. Dating and relationships are not a works-righteousness situation. God isn't in heaven saying, "Alright, once you cross this line, then, and only then, am I'm going to give you this wonderful thing." It doesn't work that way. We believe in grace, and God imparts unearned gifts.
To start, let's clear the air of some of the lies about singleness that we may have heard from well-meaning friends or fellow church-goers. (From The Meaning of Marriage by Tim Keller).
Four Lies About Singleness
"As soon as you're satisfied with God alone, He'll bring someone special into your life." As though God's blessing ever earned is ever earned by our contentment.
"You're too picky." As though God is frustrated by our fickle whims and needs a broader parameter in which to work.
"As a single, you can commit yourself wholeheartedly to the Lord's work." As though God requires emotional martyrs to do His work, of which marriage must be no part.
"Before you can marry someone wonderful, the Lord has to make you someone wonderful." As though God grants marriage as a second blessing to the satisfactorily sanctified the all those words hurt.
God does have a design for those who are in seasons of singleness. But the question that we have to ask ourselves is: Do we truly commit our lives to God, saying, "Your will not mine be done?"
Although they can be challenging to see, God has things for you to learn in this season. And while God doesn't waste an opportunity, we can squander our opportunity to learn from God if we try to wait until we're in a relationship. We need to be available to have the ears to hear and eyes to see what God has to say to us now, even in seasons of singleness.
As crazy as it sounds, singleness is a gift that God has given us. It allows us to step into who He created us to be. I like to give the image back to creation, to the garden. God put Adam in the garden to have dominion and bring order to chaos. But he didn't have a partner. In all of the early creation, that's the only thing that God said was not good. So He created Eve, and Adam is delighted. But he never would've known that joy had it not been for that time of singleness.
How do we remove the burden that we feel when the world says singleness is bad and there's no place for us?
How do we walk through seasons of singleness faithfully?
1) Marriage Does Not Complete You
Everyone is part of a family. That family can look different for each person, but God has placed us within a body, and that is His Church. So the first step of stewarding singleness is to be part of that family.
Singleness is a time of new dedication to the Church and God's work. The Lord is speaking to you now and wants to use you today. You are a valued member of the body already. God doesn't wait until you're married or in a relationship to complete you.
Sam Albury, an English pastor, said, "If marriage shows us the shape of the gospel, singleness shows us its sufficiency." All of our desires reveal our design for life with God. So all of our desires for a family, relationship, marriage, and so on begin and end with God.
2) Singleness is a Season
You've probably read 1 Corinthians 7, where Paul says some are called to singleness. If you've been single for any duration, that may freak you out and leave you wondering if that's your calling in life. That verse likely induces a significant existential dread if you desire a relationship.
The critical thing to remember is: Just because it's a calling doesn't mean it's forever.
You can be called to that season right now, but God doesn't want you to view it with fear. That may be your present situation, but God wants you to view it as a gift. Remember, God is omniscient, and His will sees a much larger view of your influence for His Kingdom. This season of singleness may be the one where He has you moving mountains.
But don't lose hope if you're called to singleness. Instead, take it moment-by-moment and savor the time to focus on how God is working directly in your life. Unfortunately, that's also a lot easier said than done.
We have to find a sense of contentment where God has us, and that's often difficult. It's easy for us to look at others who are happy and in relationships and long for that. After all, it's part of our human DNA to desire relationships. But comparison is the thief of joy. What gets us into trouble is letting our longing for a connection outweigh our hunger to know Jesus. Our heart's top priority should be to seek after Him above all else. We will know we're in trouble when our desire for a relationship overtakes our passion and desire for seeking to know Jesus.
3) Seek The "Right Reasons" for a Relationship
Much like someone who desires friendship for the sake of friendship, desiring a relationship to be in a relationship will leave you emptier than without. A relationship will not fill a void just because you've entered one. Sure, it might make you happy for a spell, but you will still be left desiring more. A relationship that will cause you to flourish is based on more than attraction or desire.
When speaking on love, C.S. Lewis said, "We may give our human loves the unconditional allegiance which we owe only to God. They become gods: then, they become demons. Then they will destroy us and also destroy themselves." Your idolatry of this other person will be such a great weight for your partner to bear; you'll crush them.
Relationships must be formed from a mutually shared love. Biblical marriage at its core is friendship more than it is romance or anything else. It's a mutual love for God that enables both parties to walk together towards Him while growing closer to each other.
Closing Thoughts
Singleness can be an excruciating season. First, dating hurts; It is not easy to open yourself up to relative strangers. Moreover, dating requires a great deal of vulnerability when searching for deep intimacy. And waiting for that to happen can sometimes feel even more painful.
Part of this process is daily trusting God's will and His timing. As we are faithful to seek God's kingdom first, not just in our relationships, He recognizes the desires of our hearts. When our desires align with Him, we can stay better connected to what He has for our lives. This may open the door to some hurt in our lives, but we can trust that God will be faithful. Do not be afraid to go to Him in this time of singleness. God is not afraid of the actual status of where your heart is. If you're hurting and you have questions, bring those to Him.
If you are a child of God, you are His Beloved, and He loves so much that He sent His Son to die for you. Jesus was the most complete, authentic, fully human, Savior of the world, and He was single. So if you struggle with the weight of your season, comparison is stealing your joy, and your heart is filled with the envy and desires of a relationship, Christ is with you. He has walked that path and will be there to walk it with you if you invite Him in.
Related Articles
How Do I Find Community by Andrew Grissom
A Discussion about Intentionality by Rev. Maxie Dunnam
TL;DR
Singleness can feel like a curse. It can feel like you've been put on the sidelines and told you're not ready to get in the game yet.
God has not forgotten you, and there is nothing wrong with you. You are not a failure.
Four Lies About Singleness
“As soon as you're satisfied with God alone, He'll bring someone special into your life."
"You're too picky."
"As a single, you can commit yourself wholeheartedly to the Lord's work."
"Before you can marry someone wonderful, the Lord has to make you someone wonderful."
How do we walk through seasons of singleness faithfully?
Marriage does not complete you.
Singleness is a season
Seek the “right reasons” for relationship
Do not be afraid to go to God with your heart broken and lonely. He hears your prayers and knows your desires.
About Christ Church Memphis
Christ Church Memphis is church in East Memphis, Tennessee. For more than 65 years, Christ Church has served the Memphis community. Every weekend, there are multiple worship opportunities including traditional, contemporary and blended services.