Is Dating Out-Dated? What the Bible Say About Dating
When it comes to dating, the Bible has little to say. Pursuing Godly relationships is hard. Can Christians date non-Christians? Can Christians use dating apps? Here’s some Christian relationship advice for those looking to take the next step.
Dating can seem like no man's land. The Bible has much to say about marriage and singleness, but when it comes to dating…radio silence. In that silence, we often turn to the voices we can hear—those of culture, cinema, and celebrities.
But for the Christian, our task is reading the Bible deeply, critically, and imaginatively and allowing God's word to shape our hearts, minds, bodies, and souls. Then with a Christ-formed conscience and a Christ-formed imagination, we can look at questions that the Bible is silent on and miraculously hear God's still, small, quiet voice. So let's begin with what the Bible says about marriage and let those truths overflow into how we conceptualize dating.
So how should God's design for marriage affect how we date?
Imagine this:
We're going on a trip together and heading out to the Smoky Mountains to spend a weekend in God's beauty. But as you get there, you get more of the smoke and less of the mountains. It's foggy. It's overcast, and you can't see anything. You're going up and up and up, around all these turns, and then…you come across the bend. And lo and behold, the clouds have opened up. And there are radiant, beautiful streams of light—golden-yellow sunlight—shining all around. The blue sky is bursting out from its gray curtains, and you can see the crisp, green, evergreen trees, the smoke gracefully dancing and wisping over the hills, the blue water rippling and winding. You get this incredible glimpse of the beauty and glory of the Smoky Mountains. Then you go across another bend, and it's gone…
Marriage is like that.
It's a friendship whose end and beginning is God, and along the journey, you get that glimpse of God's glory in them. You see the person who God called them to be. You see who they will be one day in heaven, and you get just a glimpse. Then it's gone. But every now and then, that glory self peeps through so much so that you enter into a covenant with them and say, I am committed to helping you become that glory self forever.
As Tim Keller says in Meaning of Marriage, marriage is the vehicle for spouses, helping each other become their glorious future selves through sacrificial service and spiritual friendship.
That is a beautiful way to summarize Ephesians 5, Paul's description of marriage where each partner submits to the other out of reverence for Christ. Ultimately, Paul exclaims, marriage is a great mystery that points to Christ and His Church. As such, our role in marriage is to prepare our spouse for that wedding with the hope that one day you will take your spouse and present them before Christ at His table at the wedding feast, and then He will say, "well done." That's the point of marriage.
And so, how does that beatific vision of marriage shape our view of dating?
Dating is a rich time of getting to know a person and seeing those first faint flashes and glimmers of who God called them to be. While dating initially begins with a spark of attraction, the romance should be tinctured by, balanced, and ultimately guided by friendship.
Dating is a doorway to friendship, and glimpses of glory stream through the windows of friendship. Marriage then is the commitment to serve and guide the other into glowing with that glory for all eternity. But first, it all begins with deep friendship.
The world's view of dating is not about the other and their sanctification. It's mostly about me. Dating has become a chimera of commodification, narcissism, entertainment, and hype. You are going and doing all these incredibly entertaining things with a date, but what gets forgotten is the friendship, the service, and the depth. What is missed is the orienting vision of two submitting to one another and becoming one.
How did we get here? A Brief History of Dating
Let's Go Back: Arranged Marriages
To start, we're going to take it all the way back to arranged marriages. In the ancient world, there was no such thing as dating. In today's world of autonomy, independence, and freedom from all constraint, we cringe at an antiquated and oppressive system like arranged marriages. But what we miss that they understood was that people knew love had to be a choice because the commitment and the covenant came before the relationship. The choice preceded the feeling.
How strange is that to our modern world of hookup culture, where our first interaction with potential spouses is a whirlwind of feelings, attraction, and romance? But in the ancient world, the choice to love grounded the feelings of love.
This leads us to consider the nature of love. The feelings of love flow out of choice to love. That is why God designed marriage to be a covenant on which a rightly ordered relationship could flourish. The covenant of marriage is the trellis that our love grows on.
What Happened to Dating?
Okay, so what happened? As the world sped to modernity, there was still a communal sense of relationships, echoing arranged marriages. In the 1800s, a social convention called "calling" a young woman would take the initiative, talk to her parents, and call a young man to come over (Hello every Jane Austen novel). So the young woman would, in essence, call a man, and he would come to the parent's house and sit on the porch or atrium and get to know the young woman in her familial relationship setting.
So relationships immediately began in comfort and community, which are vital to getting to know someone truly and deeply. It is only in the postmodern west that we think dating is a form of self-expression and autonomy. If you want to see the flaws of that kind of orientation to dating, Romeo and Juliet is the cautionary tale par excellánce.
Then came dating, which first appeared in our vocabulary in 1916. The world began changing. Industry, technology and advertising warped the western consciousness. (Did you know marketers were originally called desire engineers? Spooky, right?)
Dating then became a thrall to consumerism and was displaced from its familial, communal setting. Rather than the woman calling a man to her home, the man would ask girls on dates. The shift was from community and relationships to self. The man would imagine the most entertaining date to show off his social and financial status.
So dating became less about a relationship with you and more about showing you me, my perks, and my accolades. And the hookup culture has only exacerbated this trajectory. So now, it's about my romantic ability, looks, sexual status, etc., and it's left us hollow and alone.
So we live on the other extreme of arranged marriage and into the tyranny of self.
How do we recover a more healthy and balanced view of dating, not backsliding to a patriarchal past but finding our footing in an unsteady world?
How to Discover a Healthy, Christian Dating Life
1) Establish Christian Community
The first step is seeking and establishing a good community of solid Christian friends. Then, like the Mirror of Erised ("Desire" reversed) from Harry Potter, dating almost comes upon you when it's not the thing you desire. Or, as W.H. Auden penned, you will not find Eden until you've looked everywhere for Eden and only found deserts.
Desiring friendship and a flourishing community is the best place to start. Biblical marriage is more about friendship than your external appearance or romantic appeal. Of course, though, those facets of a relationship have their place: Song of Solomon…case and point. But at the essence of Biblical marriage is friendship. And so the best place to begin dating is with friendship.
2) Finding Friendship First
A good question to ask yourself is who are those people in your community that you love spending time with or that you both love the same kind of things with. C. S. Lewis said that friendships are stitched together by a secret thread known only to the friends and that friendship begins with the amazing question, "You too?" There's another person out there who likes that book, or that song, or that hobby. I thought I was the only one.
That coming together of interests sets you apart from the world and forges a friendship. Therefore, it is my conviction that dating should begin commensurately. And you get to know a person first under cover of friendship without the pressure and baggage of dating. You know them in a comfortable setting surrounded by friends.
In other words, you get a glimpse of their true self, maybe even their glory self. Of course, culture has created a fear of being "friendzoned," but it's on such a ground that the seeds of a Biblical relationship begin to grow.
So maybe you're a member of a climbing gym or a running club. Or you're an artist, and you spend time at a studio or workshop. It's at these loci where you find those people who have that same secret thread running through them. Who are those people in those places or groups who love the same things as you? That could be an excellent inroad to friendship and, eventually, a dating relationship.
3) Let's Talk Physical Intimacy
Starting a relationship as friends rather than as romantically involved partners helps avoid the pitfalls of our cultural moment. You don't get too emotionally or physically involved from the beginning—which muddles everything. C. S. Lewis said that experiencing the deep pleasures of physical love outside of a covenant is like tasting food and never swallowing it but throwing it up. You get the taste but not the substance, and ultimately, you stay famished. Sex is a deep union meant to be housed within a deeper, holistic union of marital commitment.
Christians aren't Puritans…Song of Solomon (is it getting hot in here, or is that just me?). We believe God created the body and sex as glorious gifts and thoroughly bless them. However, only a marriage covenant can bear the weight of such glory. Any other relational bridge will crack.
What about all the laws and stipulations against sex in the Bible?
Sex is a priceless gift of God given to strengthen the love of those bound by a covenant. As such, it is priceless and good. It's kind of like the Mona Lisa at the Louvre. There are red velvet ropes all around it, and there are rules to follow when looking at it. Why? Because it is a beautiful treasure meant to satisfy our aesthetic pleasures. Not because it is ugly, shameful, or regrettable.
Sex is the same way. The rules and laws of Scripture are there because it is so good, true, and beautiful.
4) Take It Slow
Start with friendship, and take it slow both physically AND emotionally.
In the Christian world, the point of dating is to lead to marriage—TRUE, but that truth can put an unhealthy weight on a first date or a casual date. Sometimes it's okay just to enjoy a coffee date or a college formal date without being bombarded by the question of whether or not you could or should marry that person.
It sounds crazy, but the Christian world breeds those questions and that mentality. Of course, those questions are important, but it's okay to take it slow emotionally and enjoy a walk or a meal with your date. Sometimes, it's enough to say, hey, I enjoyed spending time with you, and I'd like to spend time with you again.
5) Date In Community
Next, it's good to date in the community because the other people in your community may think of matches or dates for you that you had never thought of.
On the flip side, building strong friendships with those of the same gender as you is vital. Dating alone can be dangerous, but having friends of the same gender who have an eye on your story and a license to ask questions about your heart is needed. That kind of biblical community and accountability is essential and keeps one from stumbling too far into the individualism of our culture. We have a lot of blind spots, especially when it comes to romance, and a Christ-formed community helps bring clarity, solace, and maybe even a date that you never saw coming.
6) Can I Date a Non-Christian?
My recommendation is no. They may have the secret thread of friendship with you, but if they do not know Jesus, they do not know you. If you are a believer, then Jesus is the deepest and truest part of your identity. Therefore, not to know Jesus is not to know you.
7) What About Using a Dating App?
Similar to our conversation about social media and technology, a dating app is a tool that can be used and very easily abused. Their design taps into our addictive personalities and is anything but neutral. However, they can certainly be stewarded and used in a God-honoring way.
Some advice, date online prayerfully and in community. Everything you do does something to you. That is a deep spiritual truth. So, as you navigate Hinge or Bumble, make a liturgy of praying before you log on for God's sovereign hand to guide you and your heart to rest and be guarded in God. Ask the kind of questions like why am I getting on here, what are my goals in this, and my non-negotiables with certain things.
All that said, there is no shame or condemnation in using a dating app. Our culture is the first-ever…ever…not to have an established channel for young men and women to choose marriage spouses. In the void of that chaos, dating apps are a suitable solution.
From Getting Coffee to Getting Hitched
Now that we've talked about taking the first steps towards relationships, we turn to what walking that journey towards marriage looks like. It begins by moving from dating to depth, from the highs of entertainment to the depths of the heart. Of course, it's still important to go on dates and have fun. But moving to depth looks like asking questions like:
What are you afraid of?
What makes you anxious?
What are your hopes?
What made you first fall in love with Jesus?
What was home like for you?
What was it like to lose that when you moved away?
What's God's calling on your life?
When my fiancée and I started dating, our secret thread were books, so we started an exclusive, weekly book club, a literary tête-à-tête, called Table for Two where we would go to church together and, afterward, get brunch and talk about the book we were reading together. The books gave us something fun and exciting to talk about, and who doesn't love a coffee and brunch date?
After a few months, we started reading Loveology by John Mark Comer, which was the perfect segue into deep conversations about faith, God, and our relationship. In the depths, there were stormy waters, and not all of these conversations were fun. There were a lot of scars and wounds that we had to talk through. We had an argument or two along the way. However, they were all good and edifying.
Part of the joy of this kind of conversation is that the deeper you go, you also see just how unique, weird, and wonderful another person is. But there is also a lot of fear that bubbles up. What if I fall out of love with this person? How do I know I want to be with them my whole life? We can drown under the waters of the future.
But here is the good news. Falling out of love is normal. Falling out of like is a better term. It's just as easy to fall into like as it is to fall out of like. But that is not love. Love is a deep unity of the will, strengthened by habit and grace. Our feelings come and go, but Biblical love is more of a choice than a feeling. That's why Christians believe that marriage is a covenant. It's a choice, through sickness and health, through like or annoyance, through bitter and sweet, to serve the other and submit to the other out of reverence for Christ. The amazing thing is that feelings follow the choice, as discussed earlier.
How to Discern Falling In Like vs. Falling in Love
So how do you discern if you want to commit to that kind of love with someone? For me, I spent that season of discernment going to my community to help me see past my blind spots, and a friend recommended I take the via negativa approach. That's a theological term where you try to understand God's nature by eliminating what He is not.
I thought of my life without my girlfriend—and now fiancée—and it was monotone, gray, and drab. All of my former joys would have left me empty. You can live life with many people, but you want to be with the person you cannot live without. And I didn't want to live my life without her. And reversely, the prospect of life with her excited me like nothing before. That's when I knew I wanted to move towards marriage.
What Is Your Gardening Project?
Another good question to ask, which I got from John Mark Comer, is "what is your gardening project?" In the first marriage in the Bible between Adam and Eve, God created Eve as Adam's suitable helper. That is, to help him with his gardening project of making the world a garden.
What is your gardening project? What is that thing that God has created you for and put you on this earth for? What is the gardening project of your significant other? Committing to marriage means being a suitable helper to the other in living out who God made them to be. If you or your partner don't have a sense of your respective projects or you feel that you can't help the other live into that calling, then marriage, let alone dating, may not be feasible, helpful, or beneficial for the kingdom or each other.
If you're dating this person and you see that happening in small glimpses, that their faith is getting deeper and richer and that they're becoming more of who God made them to be. And that excites you. That's it.
Discovering Grace
Dating, engagement, and ultimately marriage are wonderful. Still, like the marriage of Christ and His Church in Revelation, a Christic relationship is buffeted and attacked on all sides by the forces of darkness. Sin, selfishness, temptation, idolatry, shame, and woundedness all prove to be immense obstacles in any relationship. That is where grace comes in.
In Meaning of Marriage, Tim Keller gives another image of what marriage is. He says it's like two gems thrown into a purifying box that is still crude and rife with impurities. To purify the two gems, you have to mix in a purifying chemical that weakens the impurities and protects the stones.
Without the chemical, the stones can scratch, crack, and break each other. That is a relationship without God's grace and grace for each other. Two broken people thrown into the confines of a relationship without grace will beget more brokenness. But the imputation of grace works in and through the woundings, brokenness, and cracks, and the crashing together of two broken people, tinctured and protected by grace, allows God to purification to take place.
God's grace is the beginning, means, and end of any relationship. Christ's first miracle was transforming water to wine at a wedding. He does the same thing to us if we allow it. The only thing that lasts forever in any relationship is the eternal, transforming presence of Christ, and, as C.S. Lewis said, what is not eternal is eternally out of date.
Final Thoughts
I would encourage those in seasons of singleness and waiting to pray through Psalm 37. Dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Dwell where you are faithful—your church, home, neighborhood, and work. Serve the work and the people around you with integrity and honor.
Take delight in the Lord. Your desires for marriage, a wedding, and a family all have their beginning and end in God. When you see His Face and take part in Christ's wedding with His Church, you will then cry out that this is what you have desired all along. He is love. He loves you, and He is in love with you. And you get to be at the wedding party. Take delight in God, in the Son, and the Spirit. They delight in you.
And He will give you the desires of your heart. God will take your desires and make them His. He will work in your life providentially, leading you into a place of flourishing for your good and His glory. Seek the kingdom of heaven, and all the rest will be given to you. That doesn't mean seeking Him to receive something in return. It means seeking Him with everything because everything has already been given.
Commit your way to the Lord… Trust in him…Be still before the Lord…Wait patiently for him…Do not fret when people succeed in their ways—when others start dating, when others are married, when others have families. Refrain from anger and turn from wrath… But the meek will inherit the land and enjoy peace and prosperity.
Meditate, and let that word have room in your heart. The true bridegroom is knocking.
Related Articles
Singleness is a Gift by Andrew Grissom
The Submissive Family by Brad Bogue
Social Media vs. Christianity by William Merriman
TL;DR
Dating can seem like no man's land. The Bible has much to say about marriage and singleness, but little on dating.
Dating is a doorway to friendship, and glimpses of glory stream through the windows of friendship.
How to Discover a Healthy, Christian Dating Life?
Establish Christian Community
Find Friendship First
Take It Slow
Date in Community
When going from dating to marriage, it involves asking questions of great depth before taking that next step.
If you or your partner don't have a sense of your respective projects or you feel that you can't help the other live into that calling, then marriage, let alone dating, may not be feasible, helpful, or beneficial for the kingdom or each other.
God's grace is the beginning, means, and end of any relationship.
About Christ Church Memphis
Christ Church Memphis is church in East Memphis, Tennessee. For more than 65 years, Christ Church has served the Memphis community. Every weekend, there are multiple worship opportunities including traditional, contemporary and blended services.
